Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
