i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
