conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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