either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize