Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
