when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
