Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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