These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
