im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
