The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
