I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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