i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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