Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
