I puked a lego.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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