uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
