I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
