I'd wear matching sweaters with you
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
