Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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