I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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