Even water is tasting like jack daniels
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
