come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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