she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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