Ambien. No doubt about it.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
