I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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