You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
