this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
