ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
