using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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