Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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