Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
