Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
