There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
