There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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