Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
