and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
