Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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