True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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