did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
