Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
