she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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