I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
