I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
