May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize