Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
