He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
