we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
