i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
