I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
