Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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