come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
