it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
