I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
