I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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