I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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