my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
